Confusion
by RiskaSG
Summary: Maria's thoughts after she returned to the Abbey


Well - this is my first Fan Fic ever and I hope you'll like it. Cause I'm from Germany my English isn't that well - Actually without Maria's Georg aka Xia Mei's help and support I wouldn't have written or posted anything at all. Therefore: Thanks a lot, Xia Mei!!!  
  
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Confusion  
  
The room laid in dark shadows, only a few small beams of light found their way through the closed drapes. There was an almost frightening silence, only broken by the hardly audible breath of Maria.  
  
She kneed in front of her bed, trying to remember all the prayers she had learned, trying to think of something beautiful, of something that might give her the strength. But she couldn't. As much she tried, her thoughts always swept back to the Captain. She didn't know what to do, what to think or what to feel. On the one hand she was glad to have left the Villa; on the other hand she was terribly sad.  
  
"Why is this happening to me?" she asked herself.  
  
"Oh, I wish I could understand all this things. I never felt that way before, I'm just feeling - oh I just don't know how I feel. I knew I had to leave the Villa. Otherwise, otherwise what? Was the Baroness really right? Am I really in love with Captain von Trapp? I just know, when he was around me, I felt so happy, my heart jumped up and down and I could hardly breathe. And when he looked into my eyes during the Ländler, it was just like, like finding a home. But even if I'm in love, even if I asked for his love..he's such a great, elegant, noble man - how could he ever fall in love with me? A governess, a postulant. That's ridiculous. Ridiculous."  
  
Maria laid her head onto the bed. Ridiculous, that's what it was, she thought. It wasn't necessary to leave the Villa. The Baroness was right, when she said, that the Captain will soon come over it - if he really was in love with her. But he couldn't be. She could have stayed, why not? But seeing him every day, seeing him together with the Baroness - Maria felt a piercing pain in her heart and felt guilty at the same time.  
  
"How can I be jealous? Why should I be? I've no right, besides its wrong. Everything is so wrong. Why has the Mother Abbess send me to them? I wish she hadn't. All this things wouldn't have happened. I still would be the person I was, no confusion, no sadness, just silence. But the children - if nothing would have changed for me, nothing would have changed for them. They still would march and listen to silly orders, still would answer to the horrifying sound of that whistle. At least they're happy now."  
  
The thoughts of children made Maria smile for a moment. Little Gretel, Marta, Brigitta - she missed them, too. She had started to love them. That was something she really knew - she loved those children. Even if it was strenuous to handle seven children, she missed it. She missed their laughter, their singing, their father. Their father. She missed him. As much as the children. And at the same time in another way.  
  
A soft knocking at her door pulled Maria of her thoughts. She jumped up, trying to look as if nothing has happened. "I'm standing here like the children, when I met them the first time" she thought with a smile.  
  
The door opened and Sister Margareta entered her room.  
  
"Maria, the Reverend Mother wishes to see you." She said with a gentle voice. The Reverend Mother. Maria knew that this would happen. But what should she tell her? She didn't knew herself what happened, so how to explain it to someone else?  
  
"Yes, Sister Margareta" Maria followed her through long corridors of the Abbey, counting her steps, so she needn't to think of anything else. 239, 240, 241, 242, 243 - there she was. She took a deep breath before Sister Margareta opened the door of the office. There was nothing to loose, she thought. Maybe the Reverend Mother can help me; maybe she knows what to do. Maybe....clutching to that word as if it was a straw, Maria entered the room. Maybe.  
  
Fin 


End file.
